It is extremely lucky that our youngest daughter lives with us, as my husband and I are both getting older and have apparently learned everything wrong our entire lives. At 14, our youngest daughter has come to realize that she possesses the superpower of being the only person in the world that knows how things really work. We were unaware of this superpower until recently. It is a superpower we kind of wish she had not developed.
To be honest, we were quite happy thinking that our Costco jeans looked good on us, and that we understood how the internet and society works. It turns out, everything we ever learned about all of those things is wrong (and literally everything else we may ever consider speaking about).
“Good morning honey,” her dad greets her when she comes into the kitchen.
“No, it’s not. It’s a terrible morning. There’s school today,” she corrects him.
“Well, good thing summer vacation is almost here” I try.
“No, because I will probably have to go to summer school because school sucks and I hate it and all the kids there are stupid and all the teachers are boring, and I’m probably failing history,” she points out.
“Maybe something to eat will make you feel a little better,” her dad offers. “Want me to make you some toast?”
“Ugh! Food in the morning seriously makes me sick. Like, I will actually throw up if I eat anything right after I wake up,” she responds, opening the refrigerator door, staring briefly inside, and closing it again.
“You just want some water or tea, then?” I ask.
“Or if I drink anything,” she adds pointedly, with an eye roll for emphasis.
How could I have been so foolish as to think that breakfast in the morning would be a good idea? It is a shame we only have her living at home for another few years. We will strive to do our best to learn all we can from her in that short amount of time.
If anyone out there is interested in how to part their hair, which jeans they should definitely NOT wear, the wrong way to open packages, the car door, or their eyes, feel free to message us. We live with the world’s greatest expert on everything. I will be happy to relay your questions to her and we can all benefit from her extensive knowledge.
Warning: You will have to contact us within the next couple years, though. We have had three others that came before her, and they all went through this stage as well. Unfortunately, they grow out of it after a while, and their power to know everything about anything diminishes, so you will need to act quickly if you want to take advantage of this limited time offer.
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